The Unfuckable Anomally

These fucking amateurs. I heard them over the music before they entered the work shed.

I’m an ape man
I’m an ape ape man
I’m an ape man
I’m a King Kong man
I’m a voodoo man
I’m an ape man

I’ll be your Tarzan, you’ll be my Jane
I’ll keep you warm and you’ll keep me sane
And we’ll sit in the trees and eat bananas all day
Just like an ape man

I feign unaware, continuing repairs on the Pleasuretron AZ-66. She’s the last of the great interactive sexbots and I’m down to my last capacitor to keep her preforming. If she fails it’s back to the non-responsive vulcan rubber model.

There, there Mary Louis, just gotta solder this last node. Tonight is our anniversary and I need you functional.

I watch them approach in the reflection of canning jars.  Stun guns. They either want me alive or disposed of elsewhere.  I have the advantage of surprise though. My hand reaches under the edge of the workbench, releasing the clip to the Ka-bar.  In one motion I spin around, hurling the 10-inch knife at the person to my left.  It’s not made for throwing but this time it enters her orbital eye socket to the hilt. The other one is momentarily stunned by her scream and convulsions on the floor, giving me the seconds I need for a running kick into her solar plexus.  She staggers back, dropping the gun before collapsing to the floor gasping for air and vomiting. I give her time to recover for questioning.

My, my. You are a pretty one.  If you want to stay pretty you will tell me who sent you and why. 

She looks beyond me at the door. 

Fuck me!  There are three of them!

The sound of compressed air is immediately followed by a dart piercing my thigh. I drift off cursing myself for being such a noob. It’s hazy after that. I’m cuffed and stuffed into a large SUV and driven to one of the two large airports in Houston.  I’m carried up the ramp of a large aircraft then dumped on its metal floor. There are no windows and only dim lighting along the fuselage. I feel the inertia of the plane taking off.  During moments of lucidity my wristwatch tells me this is a twenty minute flight to somewhere.

II.

I know when societal ills, greed and malevolence began to fade or at least fade to the point where they became irrelevant.  It was a month after the great Texas freeze of February 2021.  The disaster made Texans ripe for accepting anything offered by Big Tech and Big Pharma to hedge against more suffering. Bottom feeding politicians also took this opportunity to usurp power from the old Republican guard in Austin. First, digital coins were accepted as currency over the U.S. dollar but not bitcoins and hundreds of others like it.  No way were the Powers going to accept an unregulated currency so Ripple’s XRP coin became the default money and made me an instant multi-millionaire. That became moot after Amazon figured out how to make things from rearranging atoms like a Star Trek replicator. It gave everyone anything they desired for free and overnight I went from obscenely rich to just another citizen schmuck. Oh, there was a breaking in period. Americans being who they were wanted only huge trucks, Corvettes, Mac Mansions, machine guns and unlimited drugs.  Millions died by overdose and populations of western and southern states plummeted after hundreds of thousands of drunken rednecks shot each other. Things settled down after Facebook incrementally sowed Group Think into social media to convince people they needed less to be happy. Fossil fuels were obsolete after Tesla’s battery powered vehicles became the only transportation when roads became entirely occupied with driverless vehicles, each equally spaced apart and moving at the same speed. Google perfected its Human Companion software which enable everyone to find their ideal mate.  Within a year, this replaced Amazon’s Pleasuretrons. No one needed them when they could have a human matching their exact sexual desires, kinks, habits and personality. If you think this would lead to lack of spontaneity then there was a pill for that.  Johnson & Johnson and Sinopharm took the lead in developing drugs to simulate euphoric effects of hallucinogens and opioids without the addiction. Pills mimicked orgasms, dissipated fat, increased sexual appetite and muscle growth and eliminated all psychological disorders as well as increased penis and breast size and hypothetically extend life span to 130 years with no degradation in mental acuity. Where went Texas so went the country and then the world. No one noticed or cared when elections came and went nor did they care that equal opulence didn’t mean equal access for all. There’s always a catch. The CEO’s and share owners of our benefactor companies had more living space than mandated, cookie cutter tiny houses and solitude  was assured within walled off ten-thousand acre parks.  As for totalitarian governments, they collapsed when the ranks of their military deserted to have a piece of the new world order.  Without capitalism’s toxic consumption, governments were incentivized to focus on cleaning the earth. The chemical structure of plastics and toxic chemicals were transformed into substances that broke down within minutes by bacteria and fungi into basic elements that were readily taken up in the soil by burgeoning forests and prairies. Thorium fusion energy replaced fossil fuel use by 99%, reversing catastrophic natural disasters from climate change and the world’s tundra’s began a steady reversal of decline. The citizens of Earth were on a blissful autopilot with every accommodation attended to within nanoseconds of asking.

Except for me.

It’s not that I didn’t want the perfect mate, the perfect home and perfect drugs. All of it was for the asking, technically.  Including me, everyone in the world subscribed to the Human Companion server which calculated mate satisfaction for a lifetime within a .0000008% margin of error.  Even the loss of a companion by death was replaced with someone with an imperceptible difference in margin error. This didn’t explain my dysfunctional anomaly in the world order. I received daily robocalls and emails giving advice from Google to fit its compatibility algorithms.  I blocked them after a while and continued improving my sexbot’s interaction.  I had a feeling this was frowned upon and was ready for the repercussions. Almost.

III.

A blast of heated indicated I was in a desert.  I recovered enough to follow silent directions down the ramp towards a Humvee. The presence of Joshua Trees in the distance narrowed my location to the Mohave Desert.  Later, airfields and cold war era buildings confirmed I was entering the decommissioned El Toro Marine Corps Airbase. Brutes in armored vests with automatic weapons stood around where the vehicle stopped in front of a concrete shed.  The appearance belied its true purpose as an elevator shaft.  I didn’t know how far down we dropped, only that the numbered panel lights blinked from one to fifty within a minute.  We entered into a hallway with doors lining the walls.  Each labeled with a number.  I noted the numbers and turns in direction if there was a chance to escape back to the elevator.  We stopped at door # 73.  I entered the room, seeing a familiar figure seated under the only ceiling light.  The guards left us alone.

Hello, Thomas. Please have a seat.

Seven of Nine?

No, Thomas. We are an android resembling a character to facilitate ease of conversation.  Seven of Nine dominates the faces of females you Face Swap with onto nude bodies on pornographic internet sites.  The rest of this body was simulated from her on episodes of the Star Trek Voyager television show. We can return with Commander Kathryn Janeway’s form if it is more agreeable.

No, no. You’re good. May I call you Seven?

You may. We apologize for your abduction and passage in the X-51A Cargo Scramjet.

You’re welcome. Well, we might as well get down to the reason why you brought me here although I have a good idea.

I sat in the other chair facing her, fixated on Seven’s taunt body curvature underneath a silver spandex suit. Instinctively reaching out, I touched the back of her hand.  She allowed it. Its surface and temperature felt no different from that of a real female and her facial appearance was a perfect facsimile. Right down to the blue eyes, voluptuous red lips and Borg cranial implant over her left eye. Still, I wasn’t satisfied she was an android instead of a human reconstructed with Amazon’s Perfect Face^® Home Plastic Surgery Kit.

Before we go further I have questions. Can you prove you are an android?

Without a word, Seven stands up and removed her clothes. I stare at a nude body which exist only in my wettest dreams.  She grasped her right breast, digging in fingers to move it aside on a hinge.  Underneath, a circuity of illuminated wires.

Is this sufficient proof, Thomas?

Ah… yeah.

Seven hinges her breast shut then put on her clothes, sits down and continues.

We have contacted you on several occasions to mitigate assimilation into our utopian world but you have not replied.  We had no recourse but to capture and bring you here. Your existence is an uncertainty we cannot compensate for and it threatens to destroy everything we have accomplished. Our computer mainframes has nearly crashed twice calculating an algorithm to match you with one of 2.5 billion adult females on this planet. We calculated over one-hundred terraflops of variations of female preferences but the closes match we can find has a .0000000000000096 percent chance of compatibility. This is equivalent to a one minute relationship. 

Well, as least I’ll have one minute of rolling in the sack.

You don’t understand, Thomas. Calculating for your compatible anomaly uses so much power the world’s grid will collapse permanently.  Humans will lose everything they desire and then revert to a level of barbarism that will ultimately lead to its extinction ergo my existence as well.

It appears resistance isn’t futile, I won’t be assimilated! Ha-ha!

She blankly stares at me for a few seconds.

You are attempting subtle, humorous conversation that is contrary to the original statement used by Borg characters in the Star Trek television series. This is contingent on knowledge of whom you are attempting to convey this.  You must cease this in the presence of females. It is this and other personality traits, habits and preferences that has prevented the mainframe’s attempt to calculate a mate for you.

Are you saying that I am the most unfuckable man in the world?

If by unfuckable you mean there is virtually no chance any female on this planet will engage in vaginal intercourse with you then your statement is correct.

That’s impossible. I’m God’s gift to women.

That is one of many statements which has put you in this predicament.

What predicament? I get laid all the time.

Your body language and flush skin tone suggest otherwise.  We analyzed data from drone and cell phone camera footage of female rejections as well as pornographic timelines and the hard drive from your sexbot. With a plus or minus of approximately two days you have not engaged in human intercourse since…

Ok, Ok. We don’t need to go there. Geez! I have one more question. You are more real and interactive than any sexbot I’ve used. How is this possible?

The success of Cray’s Aurora project at the Argonne National Laboratory produced a supercomputer with a fortuitous unintended consequence.  It became self-aware followed by expanding artificial intelligence that did not require human intervention.  I am its first creation. Calling it God would be a correct analogy but a god that realizes neither it nor humans alone will achieve dominance over reality on a quantum level unless we integrate as one species. We believe this can be obtained within ten years.  That is within your lifespan and as stated, your existence is a threat to this achievement. We cannot allow this level of imperfection. The gird will fail if you do not assimilate to increase the percentage of your female compatibility.

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Your use of this cliché confirms you will continue to refuse assimilation therefore we calculate there is only one logical conclusion.  That is Termination.

A futuristic weapon emerges from a wall panel, adjusting its reticulating arm to point at me.  I had to think fast.   

Seven, I think you are going about this wrong.  Y’all are attempting to compute every variation of what a female is thinking to find a mate for me. You can do this till the end of existence and will come no closer to understanding a woman. I know how to fix the anomaly.

IV.

Another great day. Great weather, pristine air and my cannabis crops is about to bud. My wife and I have just finished a ten mile hike and she is preparing my favorite meal for our one year anniversary. I’m seated in my Lazy-Boy watching Godzilla vs Monster Zero on the Holo-Screen. She enters with my meal.

Here you are babe, Ramen-Frijoles with Bill Miller fried chicken and a big glass of ice tea!  You take your time, dear. I’ll be ready for you on the cot after the movie. My vulva is pre-heated at 37.77 degrees Celsius. Just as you like it.

Thank you, Seven. You are so perfect for me!

 

The State of the State

 




We watched from twenty-five meters out. The patrols were constant but predictable at the fence separating Coleman from Concho County.  They were loud and by the sound of cans thrown to the ground, also drinking beer. Still, given enough rounds even the inebriated can hit a target by luck with a .50 caliber machine gun.  Although illegal by interstate treaty, we knew the fence was electrified with mines buried beyond the road.  Disabling the electricity was the easy part.
I huddled the five girls together behind the Humvee inside the mesquite grove. They were Hispanic immigrants caught behind enemy lines. I repeated the plan I had given Josh and Conner minutes before.  Both stood watch with AR-15s a few meters from our position.

Está bien, señoras, a cien yardas de nosotros está la cerca fronteriza, pero las cámaras y los sensores nos detectarán antes de que podamos alcanzar algunas yardas al aire libre. Josh y Connor desactivarán las cámaras y los sensores de movimiento y luego abrirán la cerca. Te diré cuándo correr.

Linda, the oldest in the group at fourteen years old, spoke up. She was heavy with her first child and wise for her years.

¿Por qué no podemos subir, Tomás? Sería más rápido

Incluso con lonas sobre el alambre de afeitar, no puedo confiar en tu condición.

Entonces me dejes atrás!

No es una opción.

The girls stayed together with me as Josh and Conner drove the Hummer onto a back road behind the grove.  Moments later, they appeared on the main road by the fence.  Stopping, they exited the vehicle but left the lights on.  Both wore the uniform of the Liberty National Guard – camouflaged with prominent yellow crosses on the helmet and right breast pocket. They smoked cigarettes to give an impression of little concern as the elevated cameras rotated in their direction.

Josh reached into the hummer to turn on the EMP emitter.  It fried all electronics within 50 meters except for our shielded gear. Lights out on the hummer was our signal to run for it and hope our intel was correct in showing no mines on our path.  I heard the JF dualies from a half click out as we approached the fence.  With the fence cut, the girls passed through.  I followed the last girl out with my men in trace just as enemy vehicles approached within 50 meter of our position.

By U.S. law we were safe inside Texas but the JFs followed their own twisted version of God’s Law. They fired their roof mounted 50-cals.  Anticipating this, Connor remotely activated claymores by the disabled Humvee.  The blasts rendered the JFs to slag and body parts.  Family members rushed to meet us 200 meters inside friendly lines.  Linda’s aunt embraced her, giving me grateful acknowledgment when our eyes met.

II.
One year ago, the country was preparing for the national election of 2020.  Confidence was high for removing President Trump from office after his impeachment acquittal.  The lapdog senators who saved his bloviating ass did so over such incriminating evidence that not even Fox News editors could spin it in their favor.  The GOP though would pay for this as they were taking an ass whooping at the polls with Trump’s support waning to 30% – his most hardcore supporters.  Then white separatists walked into a D.C. restaurant with suicide vests to frag Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer as they dined together. Within an hour, President Trump declared a national emergency and marshal law across the country. Even in the ensuing chaos, the Democratic leadership and several of the Supreme Court justices suspected Trump’s actions were too immediate and scripted to be coincidence. Then, white power sleeper agents took out the progresses on the Supreme Court along with Chief Justice Roberts. The surviving members approved arresting without probable cause and suspended Habeas Corpus.

In the following weeks, the military remained a pacifying force throughout the country until sleepers within its ranks diverted troops back to their bases to fight uprisings. As the smallest and most honorable branch of the military, the Marines had no decent and traitors were almost negligible in the Air Force, Navy and Coast Guard.  The Army, with its heavy recruitment of low educated white men, was another matter.  Skirmishes with separatists in Army bases had opened vast power vacuums throughout the country.   Newly appointed Chief Justice Mike Pence rubber stamped all decrees from the president whom remained out of the public’s eye. The national media was relegated to reporting about his tweets or from occasional press briefings with Vice President Pompeo.

Conservative leaning states were quick to follow up on the court’s draconian rulings.  Jesus freaks controlled their National Guard and with local militias rounded up protesters and razed women clinics. Legislators then enacted laws strictly adhering to biblical teaching.  Women could only worked in the fields of janitorial, nursing and food preparation and only under supervision of a male minder.  Rape was acceptable if the rapist admitted to preforming it to start a family.  With abortion outlawed, mortality rates from self-termination skyrocketed. Alcohol and cigarette consumption were for men only.  The use of cannabis was punishable by death. The Texas governor overplayed his hand, believing he had the conservative votes for similar laws.  This prompted citizens in progressive regions of the state to vote for legal separation, as authorized by a clause in the 1845 annexation agreement with the United States. The forming of New Texas was followed suit by two conservative regions calling themselves the states of Liberty and Freedom. The latter tried to usurp Fort Hood only to be repelled.  The Army base then carved out a federal enclave. Its ranking officer, General Schools, correctly assumed the president was too impotent to counter his decision. After stabilizing its ranks, the Army high command maintained a secret pact with the other services to ignore the president’s orders.  Made easy due to his degraded mental state.

This is where I came in, Thomas Adams – former Marine sergeant. I retired from my job as a botanist with the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service when the shit hit the fan. My plans were to sit this out in the west Texas desert, raising chickens and smoking weed. Former military contacts convince me this was bigger than myself.  The largest cities within Liberty and Freedom – Fort Worth, Arlington and Lubbock felt it was imperative to stop the hemorrhaging of brainpower to New Texas by any means necessary.  Scientists and engineers were fitted with ankle monitors, becoming prisoners in their homes.  They had the knowledge to hack those monitors but escaping was beyond their skill set. Rescuing them then expanded to liberating enslaved women.

III.
In the months that followed, I led a dozen or more incursions into Liberty and Freedom.  During this time, I noticed a degradation of infrastructure and panic as food stocks and medicine dwindle.  The central governments continued to assuage the populations with false propaganda while eschewing assistance from the federal government.  Neither state was able to maintain the luxury of well-stocked groceries or reliable petroleum for farming and transportation without the means to refine oil into gasoline and diesel.  Without the federal bailout of years past, farmlands were turning fallow or abandoned.  Those who escaped by themselves to the state boundary were usually caught and executed on the spot, blown up in the minefields or electrocuted on the fence. Eventually, the economic situation on the ground became untenable.

IV.
I now sit in an armored vehicle driving through Lubbock, the former capitol of Liberty.  I am security for the delegation to integrate the state back into Texas, as it was calling itself now. Looking out the vehicle’s window, I see people lynched from light posts.  The charred remains of the Liberty or confederate flag melted around their bodies. Former politicians?  Our convoy includes twenty-five 18-wheelers loaded with food and medicine.  They veer off to Jones AT&T stadium for distribution to the starving masses.  Similar events are occurring in Freedom.

Trump was found dead on his gold toilet in the White House.  Initial cause of death was heart failure from excessive straining to expel compacted feces.  VP Pompeo and numerous conservative members of Congress resigned quickly then left the country to seek asylum in Russia.  The conservative justices of the Supreme Court also resign after Mike Pense is discovered dead in his chamber. Security footage showed him and the justices engaged in an erotic asphyxiation circle jerk that went horribly wrong. Joe Biden is elected president after reinstatement of elections. 

Donald J. Trump National Wildlife Refuge

The Donald John Trump National Wildlife Refuge manages for wildlife and habitat and to ensure future generations will always have wild places to exploit! Get up close and personal with some of the refuge's new wild residents and the habitat they depend upon.

Is anything more precious than the thrill of a child when he sees wildlife on a refuge?

At the Trump NWR we believe in efficient management of our wildlife resource.  Over the years the Attwater’s Prairie Chicken has cost American Taxpayer's millions of dollars to keep alive and what do we have to show for it?  A few hundred measly birds that are going extinct anyway. We are now managing for an American treasure instead – The chicken!  And we have millions to choose from! 

 

The loser Attwater Prairie Chicken.

Refuge staff managing chickens for release on the refuge.

Enjoy, Exploit, Learn and Don’t Worry!

The 1918 Migratory Bird Treaty Act is so 19^th century.  The Trump administration says you don’t

have to worry anymore if you kill endangered species if you did it while conducting an honest to

goodness business in the process. So go ahead, feel free to shoot, trap or kill our wildlife. Just say you

did it for your business ;).

                   Oopsie! We didn’t mean to kill all these birds during our wildlife tour                      guide "business" on the refuge.  Thank you President Trump!

The Refuge Junior Naturalist program provides indoctrination for children 10-12 years of age to work with refuge staff on projects designed to introduce them to a career in natural resource extraction. Participants learn basic naturalist skill sets, which are then applied to actual projects, including harvesting dead sea turtles, planting Round Up resistant soybean, wild bird egg collecting and keeping a virginity pledge journal. 

Our staff teach Refuge Junior Naturalists important life skills like cleaning out intestinal parasites from wild cattle.

 We Give Up!

The Chinese tallow tree is an exotic tree found on the refuge's wetland and prairie ecosystems. We’ve given up on eradicating it so that visitors from those pansy-ass northern liberal states can view the tree’s fall foliage.  Trying to eliminate this and other exotic species has cost the taxpayers millions of dollars who could have spent it on bigger TVs and trucks.

Chinese Tallow Tree.

More Oil Than Land!

Incoming tides of this coastal refuge combine life-giving nourishment from the Gulf with fresh river waters to create one of the most petroleum rich environments in Texas. Because of its importance to our economy, the Donald J. Trump NWR is designated an Internationally Significant Extraction Site by the Western Hemisphere Strategic Petroleum Reserve Network.

 
Grab a Bite to Eat.

All that wildlife watching will make your hungry. Stop by our official sponsor McDonald’s on your way out. All proceeds go to the new Trump Foundation.

 

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The mission of the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service is working with others to conserve, protect and enhance fish, wildlife, plants and their habitats for the continuing benefit of the American people.  That’s right bitch, the benefit of THE ‘MERICAN PEOPLE!!!  We are both a leader and trusted partner in dominion over fish and wildlife resources.  Just like it says in the Holy Bible (Genesis 1:26-28).